What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
