You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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