There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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