I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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