I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
as a side note pls kill me
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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