On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
