You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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