Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
