I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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