the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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