Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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