new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
