well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize