I'd wear matching sweaters with you
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
