to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
