I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
