He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
