Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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