I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
