her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
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