I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
pop tarts are not kleenex
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
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