My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
