I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
MIDGETS
????
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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