She said her name was "party"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
