I wish I could teleport
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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