1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
