Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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