so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
