I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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