Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize