the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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