i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
