So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
