rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Will exercising make me less horny?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
