I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
