Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
