I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
