you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
