First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
