She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Found your dick twin last night
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
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