Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize