Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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