Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
