either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Don't make out with my wife yet
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
