she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
