Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
