Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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