maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
