shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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