he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
