My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
