At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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