she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
