Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
