I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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