If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my sisters under your porch take her home
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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