My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
