I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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