Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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