he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
