drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
we're so committed to being not committed
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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