I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
