yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Is it because I queefed?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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