i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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