oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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