so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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