I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
