I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
