when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You need Xanax blowdarts
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize