Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
